Sloth And Gluttony

Eat Less, Exercise More

There's an epidemic of obesity going around the world, following western customs and our modern diet.

The accepted explanation, both in half-witted and in medical circles (do I repeat myself?) seems to be that the victims are suffering from the moral sins of sloth and gluttony.

Eat less, exercise more, is the answer; One hears it from all directions.

Doctors, I think, have mostly managed to figure out that this advice doesn't work. But they hand it out anyway.

The effortlessly thin, I think, think this advice works perfectly. After all, they don't eat too much, they get some exercise, they are thin.

The hungry thin, I think, think that this advice works perfectly. After all, they starved themselves thin. That's just the way it is. You've got a choice, give in to your base desires and be a fatso, or be hungry all the time and force yourself into the mold.

Those who are perhaps a little tubby think that this advice works perfectly. After all, they don't do as much exercise as they used to. Maybe a few too many curries, a bit too much beer. If they only had the energy they used to have, and the willpower to do a bit more exercise, spend a little less time with friends and drink a little less.

The fat, and especially the hungry fat, which I suspect is all the fat who aren't getting any fatter, think that this advice works perfectly.

Calories In, Calories Out is a Law of Physics.

Fat people accept their moral weakness. They know that they have no willpower. They cannot stop eating. They would like to exercise, but their poor knees won't take it.

But I..... Perhaps alone amongst my people.

I do not accept this advice.

Why?

Because I'm old.

Because I am a time traveller.

I come from the past, which is a foreign country.

I'm so old that I can remember the days when sloth and gluttony didn't make a man fat.

My whole life, I've been a glutton.

My nutritional strategy since childhood has been:

If hungry, eat nearest edible thing. Stop eating when not hungry, unless thing particularly nice. In which case keep eating.

At around fourteen, I added:

If near alcohol after five o'clock, drink the alcohol. Don't stop until you get thrown out. If anyone's interested in a couple more, go back to your place and keep drinking wine and spirits until you get so drunk you pass out.

Exercise-wise, for roughly twenty-five years, my strategy was 'Avoid'. Some sports sneaked through because they were fun. I confess to childhood judo (one hour, once a week) and adolescent ice-skating (two hours, once a week).

That's about it, as my father will tell you. He actually had to pay me to get me to play soccer at primary school. Five pence a kick, one pound for a goal. Without that (strong! five pence was the price of a packet of crisps!) financial incentive, I’d just stand around bored rigid in my little soccer uniform and wait for the soccer to be over.

I confess also to late-adolescent nightclubbing (six hours, three times a week), which usually involved dancing like a lunatic and getting really sweaty and then walking home because it was too late to get a bus and I was too poor to get a taxi. But in my defence I point out that I rarely drank less than a gallon of beer those nights. Probably balanced out nicely, calorie-wise.

And in photos of me at college, I'm thin as a whip.

Please don't get me wrong.

Calories In, Calories Out is a Law of Physics

Almost a tautology.

But "Eat Less, Exercise More", is not the same as "Calories In, Calories Out".